Bethesda Softworks and Zenimax has been nothing short of scummy these past few years. They instill, at least in me, a greasy air of money-grubbing greed. An almost psycopathic disregard for franchises carefully cultivated over decades marks their recent releases, and it makes me mad. Let’s elaborate before I bleed out of my ruptured hemorrhoids, shall we?
PART THE FIRST
T H E E L D E R S C R O L L S:
Isn’t it sad that what was one of the most popular RPGs back in the day is little more than a platform for mods at this point? At this point, Bethesda with TES are like the parents who send their kids to shitty reality TV shows and child modelling pageants, knowing full well they’re exploiting their child out for a bit of dosh. A bit of context is in order before I lose my train of thought to blind rage: The first TES game, Arena, was a hardcore RPG with shapely titties, tons of blood, and oodles of pixellated violence. This is because it was from the 90s and ESRB didn’t fucking exist to kill all the fun. You built a character and generally preached the message of wholesome slaughter all over the land of Tamriel, from High Rock to Black Marsh. And the game world was fucking huge, fam. Like actual physical continent huge. Granted a piddly Australian continent rather than Glorious Eurasia, but still.
Then came TES II: Daggerfall and a few filler sequels (but mostly Daggerfall), with it’s fuckhuge landmass and somewhat streamlined combat (it compensated with additions and tweaks to gameplay) and rubbed it’s buggy todger all over peoples’ faces. And people took it! It was well loved. These were the halcyon days of TES: combat was completely dice rolled, stats and class governed your character, Khajit ladies were sexy cat-girls and not 90 year old women-housecats with throat cancer, and nipples were shown aplenty in unmodded games.
Then something magical happened: They released Morrowind, the pinnacle of TES if you ask me. The randomly generated world of Daggerfall and Arena were abandoned in favour of a way, way smaller but completely handcrafted landmass that looked and felt completely alien. The lore was so rich it was actually a living, breathing universe with it’s own cosmology and creation myth, it’s alien concepts that turned your mind while it lovingly, tenderly fucked your head inside-out, the blend of RPG conventions with neat little refinements that felt so apt, the mod-friendliness and the marvelous quests and writing. It was truly a masterpiece.
Unfortunately, here’s where they should have quit as each successive iteration was more arse than the last from here on. Turns out Bethesda took the “refinements” too seriously, and began stripping away systems and conventions like a black man with a piece of fried chicken. Oblivion abandoned dice rolled combat for a real time system of attrition: you and your foe swing shit at each other until one of you keels over. They also managed to lore-rape the land of Cyrodiil from an amazonian jungle to a generic European countryside for which it was blasted a lot. It also managed to turn what is the most badass system ever boring: You know there’s something wrong with your game when Infiltrating Hell itself to slaughter demons and shut down the portal between hell and earth (Sounds familiar, no?) feels like a chore. It was what I personally like to call Ubisofting which killed it: Copy-paste locales, generic enemies (yes, even the demons from hell), bland combat and STOP WRITE THERE CRIMINAL SCUM. Oh well, the quests were still well written and it has my favourite deadpan NPC conversation in a TES game NSFW. It also has the best TES expansion, Shivering Isles.
So you thought you couldn’t get any worse after CRIMINAL SCUM did you? Well you thought wrong, you gossamer shitstain, you! Presenting TES V: Skyrim, a game which you can play if you mod it to the edge of reason and beyond, completely ignore everything but the sandbox and play it as a tundra hunter/survival sim! Nothing, NOTHING in vanilla Skyrim compared to Morrowind. The gameworld size was about the same as Oblivion, there were copy-paste dunjins all round, combat was shit with a side of ass, quests were bland and generic, All NPCs were fucking lobotomised, and the capital “city” of Skyrim had like 10 houses. To add to that everything looked like it was covered in a thin layer of vaseline and shit. Or as if the dovahkiin like bukakkes. A lot.
Fuck, all I can picture is mommy Morrowind looking sadly at the coked up meth-whore that Skyrim is and gently weeping. To add insult to the injury, they tried to profit off of mods that actually fixed their buggy, unfinished mess of hot steaming shit that was Skyrim. And let’s not mention the cash grab week-old-jizm-on-your-face-on-a-summer-day that was TESO, shall we? Because remembering that travesty makes me roll on the ground, frothing at the mouth while violently convulsing out of sheer belligerence. Fuck you Bethesda!
PART THE SECOND
F A L L O U T:
Fallout was initially an unofficial sequel to 1988’s Wasteland (this happened because of licensing issues). It was a series of RPGs closer to it’s pen and paper counterparts than to the atrocious bastardisation that is Fallout 4. In fact, the SPECIAL system is based on the GURPS system and almost every system in the originals were electronic-dice-rolled. Cut to Interplay going the way of the Dinosaur and Bethesda acquiring the rights to produce Fallout 3, which was basically TES IV: Oblivion, but with guns. And V.A.T.S. And S.P.E.C.I.A.L. in the character creation. But they were mostly superficial as Bethesda made the plot a generic Macguffin chase along with a moral choice. And playing past the ending was DLC.
Now since Todd Howard rubbed his love juices all over it, Fallout 3 was born with FAS ( How’s that for SPECIAL, eh?) That means the writing, ah, let’s be kind, let’s say doesn’t hold up to Fallouts 1, 2 and Tactics: BoS. In fact, the only game in the series with worse writing at that point was the console only cashgrab spinoff Fallout: Brotherhood of Steel. (Not to be confused with Fallout Tactics: Brotherhood of Steel, which was fucking awesome). But since this is Bethesda Game Studios circa 2000 and fuck, it gets a pass. Remember this is the first game they did after Oblivion and Horse Armour, and it still passed without comment. So did the Post-end-is-DLC (I sort of understand that as the ending drastically changed the world) It’s kind of OK, as the game wan’t particularly bad by Bethesda standards. It still had the simplified roleplaying with a fuckhuge sandbox thing going for it. And I guess it was entertaining. Liberty Prime and the guy who wanted Megaton razed were highlights.
Then came Fallout: New Vegas. Put together in 18 months flat with duct tape, spit and the remnants of what was supposed to be Interplay’s Fallout 3, it was a proper fuck you to Bethesda outbidding what later became Obsidian for the Fallout IP. And you know what the worst part is? Bethesda never paid them the bonus for making the best 3D fallout game because the Metacritic averaged out at 84 instead of, as specified in the signing contract, 85.
Instead of a Fallout game, which always had the tagline “A post Apocalyptic RPG”, we get the lobotomised shooteymans that Fallout 4 was with generic “Raiders” where fully fleshed factions used to be and a progression system instead of an RPG skill tree. It is very non-replayable, as builds don’t fucking matter anymore and quests are exceedingly linear. To top it off, the world’s not even that big. It’s the same as TES: Copy-paste dunjins with copy-paste enemies and leveled loot. There aren’t fun little places like Megaton or Novac. The quests are utterly generic kill-dem-fetch-dat nonsense and the only fun bits aren’t the RPG bits. And don’t even get me started on the tumour that was the dialogue wheel. Seriously, don’t as I hulk out and smash shit. And people, S.P.E.C.I.A.L. people, bought it. They bought it wholesale, hook, line and sinker. They’re even buying into the DLC whoring, which again I won’t talk about as it makes me want to bash someone’s head in. And, yes, I’m still not ready to acknowledge the second, SECOND season pa- you know what, I’m not talking about it. Fuck you Bethesda!
PART THE THIRD
In parts one and two we looked at games made by Bethesda Game Studios. But those are not the only games Bethesda Softworks publishes, and unfortunately while they are not creatively bankrupt as the likes of EA and Ubisoft are, they do have a penchant for taking over Nice ThingsTM and fucking them over until they’re just alright games.
P R E Y 2:
Prey was a pretty good game made by Human Head Studios. It was a bit shit because it physically didn’t let you die. As in when you died you played a little mini-game and you came back to life. It was pretty fun, but not chartbusting stuff, and especially not in the golden era of video games. Then 2011 came around and a sequel was showcased. Gone was the native American spirit quest bullshit, gone was the frankly forgettable alien abduction plot, what was instead showcased was distilled badass. Here, I’ll describe it for you in one sentence: a wild-west style bounty hunting game set in Blade Runner/Ghost in the Shell-esque cyberpunk megacity. Yes, it’s exactly as awesome as it sounds, with neon-drenched rainy cities harbouring criminal punks and duster clad gunslingers. But of course, since we are stuck in the suckiest version of 21st century, and God hates us apparently so we cannot have nice things. Pete Hines announced that Prey 2 “wasn’t up to our quality standard and we decided to cancel it. It’s no longer in development.” As to what those quality standards were, (looking very pointedly at you, Fallout 4) Hines didn’t comment. We almost had it. I could almost taste it. I could almost- *cries softly*
C A L L O F C TH U L H U:
Call Of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth was a 2006 adaptation of the board game of the same name, featuring the plot from A Shadow Over Innsmouth and it was radical, dude. The game was take-no-prisoners hardcore: it had no HUD at all, had a ridiculously realistic damage and injury system, if you broke limbs you had to fashion together a splint and limp for a while, and you’re a weak, weak man who loses his goddamn mind if he stares at something non-euclidean for a while. It was a proper Lovecraft game, and it featured the single most pants-shittingly terrifying scripted sequence in any game, eat your heart out Call of Duty. Seriously, the next time a Silent Hill fan bitches about cultists not being scary, make them play the hotel escape sequence from this game. And then whisper in their ear “Silent Hills never ever.” It was critically successful, and Headfirst had not one, but two sequels in the pipeline. So what happened I hear you ask? Well, whatever went down, went down behind closed doors. But Headfirst shuttered it’s studios in the following year to pay off debts incurred during production. This was after half of it’s staff left for studios like Codemasters and Eurocom and a large part of the rest were let go after a round of liquidation.
I keep screaming but God doesn’t answer
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
FUCK YOU BETHESDA!
PART THE FOURTH
iD is a shadow of it’s former self. I mean look at them. Look at them! Which was the last original game they made? RAGE? RAGE?! None of the founding members work there anymore, their engine is a closed as fuck piece of shit that nobody wants to use and they are generally spending their time revelling in past glories which aren’t even theirs, because the old guard all left for greener pastures. And Oculus. Welp. To add to that, the glassdoor reveals how hated the management is. Seriously, you don’t even have to cherry pick, just look at any reviews coming from the code monkeys. You think I’m being too hard on the fucknuggets in the management? Well, it seems like I’m the only one who remembers how those bastards pushed the Doom multiplayer. The same multiplayer they OUTFUCKINGSOURCED TO THE SAME SHITTING PEOPLE WHO COCKED UP THE HALO MASTER CHIEF COLLECTION NETCODE.
*sobbing quietly* I don’t want to do this anymore! I really don’t. It hurts, oh it hurts so much. *more sobbing*
FUCK YOU BETHESDA!
C L I M A X: The Conclusioning
Bethesda/Zenimax is like a shit-Midas: whatever they touch turns to arse flavoured biscotti. I bought their games at full retail price not too long ago. Well, never again until they shape the fuck up and start making good games for a change. In conclusion, I’d like to give a two finger salute to Bethesda and a mooning to Zenimax. Fuck you both. I’d curse more but I’m exhausted, running low on cheap, off brand energy drinks, it’s 3 A.M. and I’ve sworn enough to go to hell 4 times over. Thank you. Fuck you. A villain exits.
Disclaimer: I’m anal inflamed, ass-blasted, butt-devastated, pooper peeved, rumpus-ruffled at Bethesda for raping some of my favourite game franchises, and this “article” is about 2000 words of me sharing my asspain with those of you dumb enough to give a shit about me. If someone could mail me a box of anti-inflammation cream, I’d be much obliged. Please ask Manas for the address of our new evil volcanic lai- I mean offices.
The article was found on a floppy diskette in a room smeared with bodily fluids and the words “This is what you do to me” scrawled hundreds of times on the walls. GC takes no responsibility for the writer’s, er, fevered rantings. For more true horror visit Gaming Central
AvanStrike
i was going to start telling you how f***ing stupid you are but then read the disclaimer. Bah. seriously you’re a clown. please stop playing games, find another hobby .
IamTylerDurden1
It doesn’t hide the fact that Bethesda is turning in EA.
DarthDiggler
@iamtylerdurden1:disqus
Oh no the Electronic Arts Boogeyman! Run and hide under your beds!!!!!! Legend has it if you buy 3 EA games per year your genitals fall off and you grow an abundance of back hair!
So you are saying Bethesda is turning into a profitable and successful game company?
I just don’t buy the EA hate anymore because most of the peeps bitching about EA have to be hypocrites. They still sell tons of games. Look at all the hate for Battlefront, turned out to be one of the best selling EA games in a LONG time. 13 million+ units sold.
EA is home to 4 franchises that have sold 100 million+. Only Nintendo can claim more.
So while I see EA hate often that hate is not reflected in their revenues. Sure go on a diatribe about how awful EA is — they are laughing all the way to the bank.
YuriFan
In my view they are worse than EA.
EA may have terrible business practices but at least they are trying to get their good image again. Bethesda pretty much bankrupts the same companies that makes them games just to gain a little extra cash and steal their IPs.
Krussail
Too bad you don’t have anything to say. Just cause there’s a few cuss words in there does not change the fact that almost all of the entire article makes some strong points.
DarthDiggler
@krussail:disqus
Its an op ed by someone who writes at a 4th grade reading level.
You agree with his opinions hence you feel the article makes strong points.
Search Google for the term confirmation bias.
Krussail
I honestly don’t agree with all his points. I actually did really enjoy Oblivion and Skyrim. On consoles, to top it off. That doesn’t mean that I can’t consider some valid opinions.
Krussail
Also, Google the term Abnegation.
PS. This is a fun game 🙂
SirFagalot
If that is confirmation bias, surely you can refute the points? Please do, as that would be a healthier discussion than “No U”
Me
Juvenile boring writing. You may have a point hidden amongst your edgy ranting, but I can’t be bothered. Don’t give up your day job.
SirFagalot
But I don’t have a day job.
Diana Capaldi
butthurt bethesda fanboys below me,great article!
Brad Marcus Kirchhoff
Really? U consider this a good article regardless of if u agree w its points? That tells me u have never been to college. This article wouldve had a failing score bc of how badly it is put together. Just not intelligent journalism.
Krussail
This is exactly what Bethesda deserves. No one else is saying this. What exactly are you comparing it against when you say it’s not ‘Intelligent’. It’s right up there with Jim Sterling’s work, and he himself couldn’t have put it better.
Brad Marcus Kirchhoff
The wording. As somebody that aced Language Arts throughout school, Ill tell you that the article looked to have been written by a high school student. Jim Sterling is known for unreliable articles.
Brad Marcus Kirchhoff
Skyrim was the best rpg of its time. Only Dragons Dogma beat it. Also, FO4 was better than 3. I dont understand what ppl liked in 3 or New Vegas. It was bland. Im 30 and have no reason or time to troll. Just stating what I feel is obvious.
IamTylerDurden1
Fallout 3 was vastly superior to 4. Fallout 4 is a shooter with bad grfx and an antiquated engine.
Brad Marcus Kirchhoff
Bad graphics yet u liked the horrid bland graphics of 3? There was nothing of interest in that wasteland.
SirFagalot
I respectfully disagree.
Brad Marcus Kirchhoff
A journalist that replies to comments on their article cannot be taken seriously. Write it and move on like a professional. Lingering to reply makes it apparent you arent too busy w work. A real journalist is ALWAYS working.
SirFagalot
Are you serious right now? What is this, the NYT comments? What am I, a guy exposing the Mossack-Fonseca shell corporation structure? Fuck off mate, fuck off. And secondly, you like Fallout 4 so your opinion is invalid in the grounds of you having shit taste.
Justin Thomson
This is one of the most garbage articles I have come across in awhile. I think your mommy should supervise your internet time.
Krussail
I think you must be new to the internet. Time to tell your mommy to go let you out into the wild..
SirFagalot
Joke’s on you, mommy can’t get to me in the juvenile correctional facility.
IamTylerDurden1
He has a point, Bethesda needs a wakeup call. Look at the decade old engine in Fallout 4. Every Bethesda game runs poorly, hire some technical talent and stop over paying d-bags like T Howard.
SirFagalot
That’s not even the worst of it: Just look at how they acquired Arkane and tried to acquire Human Head and Obsidian.
They aren’t just incompetent these days, they’re becoming evil. And it breaks my heart to say this because they’ve published some of my favourite games over the years
Danny DeMent
You know, you’ve got some points here, but…
” Turns out Bethesda took the “refinements” too seriously, and began stripping away systems and conventions like a black man with a piece of fried chicken.”
That right there just undermines the whole thing bro. Nothing like a bit of fresh racial stereotyping to do it.
Krussail
I thought that was genuinely funny.. But that’s just me though
SirFagalot
Every time you recite a racist stereotype/word humorously, you take away some of the sting associated with it. At least that’s what I like to believe. So I will not apologise for that statement as it was neither written nor meant to be taken in poor taste
A Hylian Noble
You know, I kinda a agree with some of your points… But I can barely see them amidst all your middle school level of using the f word. Seriously man, you sound like a child. Grow up a bit before you try and write another “mindscrew” article. What a joke…
Krussail
You’d have a point, but the thing is that this article is the only one discussing this side of Bethesda.
A Hylian Noble
You just made my point. My point is that he has good points but they’re hidden by poor presentation. Ranting like a middle schooler is not an effective way of getting a valid point across. If you want to convey an idea that nobody else is talking about and have it considered by others, spouting off a bunch of childish profanity is not the way to do it. As you can see in the comments most everyone is simply complaining about the terrible writing and not about what is contained in the article. This is called bad journalism.
SirFagalot
I’m no journalist, friend, I’m just tired of bullshit they’ve pulled. And not to say I was only pretending to be retarded, but I kind of was aiming for the angry rant feel in general. So I wrote it all in one go, made little to no revisions and generally crammed in expletives. If that offends you, let me clarify that I’m never doing this again as it was physically taxing.
SirFagalot
Yeah, sorry about that but this is the first draft of the article, as evidenced by the mammoth size.
A Hylian Noble
Well perhaps you shouldn’t publish “rough drafts” and take 10 minutes extra to do some editing. I learned that in 8th grade english class buddy.
SirFagalot
I wanted to. Something told me that in this case vomiting it all out in one go fit the angry rant type writing better.
Usually I do three drafts or more.
Random guy
U should really take the dick out of your ass before u write something
SirFagalot
Filed under “Constructive Criticism”.
Random guy
Ha ha well said
gamingcentral
Cha gaye Guru 🙂
https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/137d8799ed60623201148245c9c4b37d34b93b13bd0f05a63304d176258fb3f5.jpg
Shrey Mishra
This article made me remember the old days of gaming 🙂
https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/49bbd745d47037055cf923911d7b0fc5b04361b57b8c0ff8a4282157b27e43a7.jpg
YuriFan
Way to destroy my favorite franchise, Bethesda.
Fallout 3 I could forgive. But after Playing Fallout 4 it was clear that they don’t care about the quality of their products and just live off of PC users and their shitty Survival games.
Not going to buy anymore of their games. Yes I think Doom 4 is mediocre and Prey is a pointless reboot.