OBLIGATORY DISLAIMER: The author does NOT hate the Xbox One and is enthusiastic about almost anything related to gaming. He is actually a pretty cool guy in real life and loves hugs, sunshine, puppies and long walks on the beach. And almost all of the above may or may not be total bullshit. In case you missed the PS4 bashing here it is 🙂
Ah, the Xbox One. Such a colossal series of fuck-ups. To criticize it is like fighting toddlers: Spectacularly easy, strangely satisfying and you always win, no matter what. Also, I had half a mind to pick the One up until two months ago. What changed, you ask? Well, MS announced the price, and I realized that I’d buy a fucking PC, like the rest of the country. Well here’s a break up of why the One is shit, and why many of the Xbox 360 owners are signing up for PSN. Let’s start with the obvious, shall we?
#5 THE REVEAL
Ho boy did MS screw this up. It’s like they forgot that the Xbox was supposed to be a games console, and presented a DVR that also plays Call of Duty. They repeated the words ‘Television’ 9,002 times during the 20 minute press conference (I totally counted it), and then showed the OMFG SO RAEL!1!1one!! scans of NAVY SEAL dog in CoD (Which blows, BTW). Hilarious. This is like the demonstration of why marketing executives shouldn’t design game consoles. And that’s without mentioning the DRM, Kinect, Mandatory check-ins every 24 Hours, no used games and all the other shit MS tried to pull on us. (Obligatory 1984 reference\joke here) Something something Orwell something 1984 was not a training manual.
And we thought the PS3 reveal was bad. Man, anyone remember that?
#4 THE DELAY
You know what I really, REALLY hate about the Xbox One? It’s that I CAN’T BLEEDING BUY IT ONE YEAR AFTER LAUNCH. That has to be the worst shit MS has ever pulled on us, US and UK getting the xbone and the rest of us getting boned. Who in their right mind would suggest that? I mean seriously, Why MS? Just Why? And on top of that, it has that shitty exclusivity deal with Amazon. Do you expect us to show you gratitude or something for graciously allowing us to buy your essentially (with the CPU Architecture switch to Intel), underpowered PC with an overpowered webcam and a seriously overpowered price tag? Speaking of which:
#3 THE HARDWARE
AN 8 CORE APU FOR 40K? I THINK NOT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH APU BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. *sniffle* Cute.
#2 THE ONE PHILOSOPHY (IS WRONG)
Xbox One? I’d like you to meet a friend of mine, Smart TV.
As mentioned above, MS forgot that the Xbox one is supposed to be a games console, and gave us… this. The One attempts to be an all in one entertainment hub: a BluRay player, a games console and a DVR, all in one device. Pretty neat, except that it does gaming, a.k.a it’s primary function, half assed. It games at 900p/30FPS at medium-ish details, and I can get a BluRay player for like a sixth of the one’s price tag.
And the games are priced ATROCIOUSLY! I mean really, PC games cost around half of these next gen games (more on that later) and most of these games aren’t even that good. The need to do it all has made the One mediocre. Which brings us neatly to my core point:
#1 WAIT, HASN’T THIS BEEN DONE BEFORE?
The main question this generation is what’s new? Why should we buy your wannabe PC when we can plonk some more cash down and get a real one? The Kinect? It’s gimmicky and shitty and does not serve a meaningful purpose. The exclusives? Most are cash-ins, and not worth ₹40,000 of your sweat o’ the brow. The ‘experience’? I’m sorry, I was too busy browsing the internet with 97 tabs open on chrome while listening to The Black Keys and playing Jetpack Joyride in snap to hear your question. So what? Why should we buy your Xbox 360-II?
If you liked my rants about the XBOX One, don’t forget to LIKE or TWEET or I will release the Kraken !!! 🙂
And if you actually do Like the XBOX One, well then you can preorder it here and help us out as well 😉
Facebook Post Pic: 9Gag & All the Meme Ninjas 🙂